A call for transformation & healing

Imagine you could re-write your life starting today? Is there anything you would change? Who would you be? What would you do? What would you stop doing? How would you interact with the world? How would you choose to feel? How would you create this thing called your life?

This is the process I am in right now. I recently had a wake up call. I was literally shaken up. My body, mind and heart…rocked. I was taking some time off during my moon cycle to be more inwardly focused and then…my Mom came for a visit and then…on July 30th I had two seizures in a 20 hour period with two trips to the ER. Not what I was planning for my time offline.:)

It has been an intense and beautiful 2 1/2 weeks. I am in major discovery mode right now and still integrating. We are blessed to have so many incredible people in our lives. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for all the love and support and been brought to tears daily. My husband and Mom and my son all have been amazing. Amazing!

It’s been a very vulnerable time for me to feel how much I need (and want) help and support. My life isn’t my own. I’ve seen how much it influences the people I love. I’ve seen how much people really do care. I’ve seen the softness in everyone’s hearts. The love is so big and deep.

My uncle is a brain scientist and helped me get an appointment with a brilliant neurologist at UCLA last week. I’ve done a CT scan, MRI, along with blood tests and a physical exam and those were all normal. I did an EEG test on Thursday and will do another more detailed MRI test on Tuesday. We will get those results next week which will hopefully give us more insight into what is going on in my brain.

I was hospitalized for febrile seizures when I was 1 + 3 years old and haven’t had any since. We all have a seizure threshold and because I had them when I was younger I have a lower threshold. I have a bunch of theories about what might have caused them.

I didn’t know it at the time but in October I started having some neurological issues. It started 3 weeks after witnessing our dog being killed by another dog at the beach. I’d have 10-30 seconds episodes every few weeks where I would feel flushed, with a wave of nausea and slight spaciness/dizziness. I just thought it was stress from the trauma. When I told the Docs about it they called them: aurus or dissociations and it’s a sign that something was triggered in the brain.

There are ideas on what might have created the perfect storm: doing a cleanse/reaction to herbs, gut permeability, thyroid + hormones imbalance, mold, trauma – being at the beach for the first time in 10 months after our dog’s death, etc. I’m exploring all facets right now. I will share more as I research and discover more from the diagnostic tests.

The whole process has been fascinating, humbling and opening. I’ve been in awe of the hospital and so grateful for the people who give so generously. My worldview about the medical system has expanded along with my heart.

I’ve had moments of fear (and tears) flow through as we navigate the unknown. I’ve also had waves of inspiration and enthusiasm knowing that this is only taking me to the next phase of my heroine’s journey. I’ve already felt big openings urging me to live an even more authentically awesome life. It’s all here for my good. All of it. No matter what happens.

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

— St. Teresa of Avila

I’m already a stronger, more resilient and powerful woman because of this.  I feel the big and subtle shifts happening and the overarching call for transformation. I am feeling called to re-wire my brain and dive deeper into myself. My life is amazing. Absolutely stunningly beautiful! I feel this now more than ever. I also know there are places where I’ve been hiding….places I’ve been limiting my joy, letting fears in, and dimming my sparkle, my dreams and my desires. It’s game time, Sweet Goddess. If you ever needed a reason to fully live out loud…here it is!!

I am listening and I am ready. Let’s do this! ❤

Sending love and heart smiles,


P.S. My main intention is to heal and rest so I won’t be sharing my daily journal anymore (this may change in the future). For now, I will post as I feel called. If you feel inspired to send me some love and prayers I graciously say: “YES! Thank you!!” 🙂 I welcome and rejoice in any and all light, love and healing. #thankyou

Bliss Diary – July 18, 2015

You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.
Pema Chödrön

7:00 morning delight tea
8:30 3 scrambled eggs + mashed cauliflower
1:45 small handful of olives
3:30 salmon w/primal mayo + nori sheets w/ 1/2 of blueberry “jello”
5:30 1/4 c. blueberries + fresh coconut meat + little bit of coconut water

5 minute walk
10 minute vibratrim

Meditation: 15 minutes + 30 minute guided meditation (mini nap)

Sleep: I was in bed at 9:15 and up at 4:45 (that’s when the little guy woke up) ~7.5 hours

Body Goodness: I was really craving chocolate today. This happens as I move into the pre-menstrual phase. I wondered if I was needing extra magnesium so I rubbed some ancient minerals gel on my body hoping that would help. It didn’t. 🙂 I chose not to have some but I did have the thought that this might be a good time to enjoy some in moderation. I haven’t wanted it all for almost two weeks. It hasn’t been challenging to give it up until today.

Mind/Heart Goodness: We all have these voices. I am intrigued by them. Where the heck do they come from? Why do they have such strong opinions? Why can they be so critical sometimes? I know a lot of these voices are passed down to us from family and society. I think they are trying to protect us, keep us in line so we won’t be judged, bullied, or criticized. Their intention (although not a very empowering one) is to keep us safe. Do we really want to live a comfortable and “safe” life?

Every once in awhile I notice thoughts wanting things to be easier. This voice thinks that one day I will figure it all out and everything will be easy and comfortable. I will hit a point where the whole following my bliss thing won’t feel like such a heroine’s journey. I won’t make any mistakes. I will always feel super empowered and move through fears and doubts. I won’t ever get hurt nor will the people I love. I realize this is ridiculous but this doesn’t stop this voice from trying to persuade me that if I work a little bit harder I will find the smooth sailing path.

The other night the hubby and I were listening to Alison Armstrong. It’s our habit to listen for at least 1 minute every night. She was saying that women have a “better woman” in their head judging her every move. This “better woman” says things like: A better woman would have already done that, or wouldn’t have that issue, or if you really had it together that would never happen to you, etc.

My best way to work with this “better woman” voice is to listen to it and say silently or out loud: I get that you think there everything should have it’s designated place, and I should wear my hair down more…be more fashionable, and get more of “everything” done, not need to take naps, and rock a weekly meal plan, etc. Then, inquire: Is it true that I should do all of these things? What will happen if I don’t do them? What am I scared people will say or think about me?

There is usually some level of fear that I am not doing it right or good enough or there is something wrong. When I see this I can shine some light and then rise up and move from heart and authenticity rather than the “better woman’s” commands and criticisms. I can move from love rather than fear. It takes some work but it is well worth it. 🙂

Gratitude & Appreciation: I am grateful for rain. We’ve really needed it so it I enjoyed the rainy day. I had flashbacks of when we lived in Bali. The rain there was magical. am grateful for my awesome colonic. I am grateful for a super chill day. I am grateful for my body and health. I am grateful for naps and guided meditations. I am grateful for all the women who push through their fears to create a life they love. I am continually inspired by the power of women. I am grateful for the new novel I am reading: Sara by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I am grateful for all the functional doctors who are paving the way and changing the world. #thankyou


Bliss Dairy – July 13, 2015

Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do. — Brene Brown

Intention/Affirmation: I picked 3 cards and created my intention for the day: Keep your eyes open. Joy lives in small places.You know what to do, trust your inner wisdom, and take appropriate action without delay. It is “my” mind that creates my experiences. I am unlimited in my own ability to create the good in my life.

8:30 4 muffins w/turmeric coconut buttter (added sweet potatoes instead of carrots for these)
1:30 16 oz green juice + fresh lemonade with chia seeds
2:00 small bowl of watermelon
2:30 big mixed green salad with a new olive oil dressing (needs some work ;)) + chicken
6:00 mixed berries jello like goodness (will share recipe soon) + 2 more muffins (so good!)

10 minute walk
20 minute strength workout
15 minute yin yoga before bed

Meditation: 15 minutes + 20 guided meditation

Laugh Out Loud Moment: My son was really excited about vacuuming. I told him we’d do it when he woke up from his nap. As soon as he woke up, he said: Vacuum. Then, he started picking things up off the floor. I laughed. Ok, let’s do it!  He watched (+ ran in the other room) while I vacuumed. I’m done, I said. No Mommy, there’s some more right there, he said. I laughed pretty hard and said, You’re right. He must be tapping into my declutter challenge intentions. 😉

Body Goodness: I haven’t had a sweet potato in over 3 months. I’m curious how my body will feel tomorrow after eating them in the muffins. I have another month with herbs and limited carb/fruit intake to balance my intestinal flora and heal my gut, but I wanted to experiment to see how it felt. It has been a week since I’ve taken out chocolate, and today was the first day I felt a craving for it when my energy dipped around 3:30 pm. Happy for my commitment. I do think not having it is helping my adrenals.

Mind/Heart/Spirit Goodness: I’ve been writing my bliss diary for a month now. It feels good to be doing it again. Especially since this is what I did when I started my first blog 9 years ago. In that blog I shared my daily process of preparing for a fitness show on all levels mind, body, spirit.

Side note: During that process I gave some guys I ride from Madison to Chicago. They were hitchhiking across America (hitch50). They dared me to eat a tofu dog on stage for my show. If I did it they would pay for me to go to Hawaii for 10 days, as that was their last state to hitchhike to. I’m always up for fun, so I did it. (if you’re curious you can see a clip of my show HERE haha).

Ok, back to the blogging thing. A big part of this blog is loving myself through the process of owning my story. Showing up and being real as Brene Brown says:

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.

There is a vulnerability in letting our true selves be seen. I’ve been on this authentic path for the last 17 years, and I love it. I also know that it’s not for everyone…the whole meditation/mindfulness thang, or the organic whole foods diet, or intentional mothering, or talking about our heart essence, transformation and letting our light shine, or even the idea that women are Goddesses.

I didn’t grow up with this way of living. My mom is awesome and very tuned in but I’ve taken it to a whole other level by making it my life’s purpose. In college I used to hide my Dan Millman, Tony Robbins and Marianne Williamson books. I felt embarrassed. I thought if I liked (and needed) those books something was wrong with me.

Then, I met my first spiritual teacher, Barbara! She was my light. I did spiritual counseling with her all through college. I used to do reiki treatments before my college volleyball games. It felt like two different lives. As the years have passed I’ve slowly peeled the layers off and opened up to who I am and what I truly love and celebrate it rather than feeling shame about it.

And, yet…there are still those fears that come up once in awhile. What will people think? One of my mentors from the past, Terry Cole Whittaker wrote a book called: What you think of me is none of my business. So true and… it still sucks to be made fun of or criticized. No one enjoys that feeling so we subtly (or not so subtly) hide.

I can still remember those times when I was criticized…it felt like I had been punched in the gut. In college I was in a fitness magazine and a big thing erupted on the college forums with all sorts of nasty things about me along with a whole bunch of positive things. But, the negativity stuck and hurt (big time).  I wanted to hide. I was even upset that I was in the magazine. I didn’t want to shine my light.

How do we stay true to who we are and not diminish ourselves to be liked or to fit in?

I love blogging and sharing because it connects me to myself and I also know that the people who dig these types of “conversations” will resonate with what I share. There are (and have been) haters that won’t like what I am doing. I have to be ok with that and keep doing my thing! As Brene Brown quotes in her book, Daring Greatly:

Don’t try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer. – Scott Stratten 🙂

Serve the lovers. Let the haters go. Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do. Yes, let’s do this!

Gratitude & Appreciation: I am grateful for my great day with E. We had a beautiful flow and I experienced a lot of joy, connection and amazement. I am grateful that I’m at home to see his little and big development leaps. I am grateful for our cuddling and reading time this afternoon (so sweet).  I am grateful for another great evening chat with the hubster. I am grateful for Brene Brown’s wisdom. She is such an inspiration. I am grateful all of my mentors throughout the years. I am blessed for the abundance of goodness in my life. #thankyou