What do we want? When we get still enough what are our true heart desires?
My son and husband are asleep, it’s 8:40 pm. Tears are streaming down my face as I sit in the silence meditating/contemplating and feeling into my life before I go to bed. I believe we all want to feel alive, like really alive Joseph Campbell style:
People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.
When I can touch the tenderness of this desire the tears steam so easily. This joyful aliveness is in the moments, in our connections, in the small acts of kindness. If we can slow down enough we can feel our innermost being vibrating with aliveness.
I sometimes notice as a culture we are looking for the big. If this BIG thing happens then everything will be OK. I will be OK. So…we strive and we look forward. We quickly move from one thing to the next so that we can hurry up and get there.
What if by all of this rushing to the “next thing” we missed some of the most loving moments? What if the biggest wins were the times we found the gold shimmering in the slivers of time as we pursued our goals? What if we really did enjoy the journey instead of rushed? This sounds cliche and easy but as a real life practice it can challenging.
I wonder why…it seems like it would be easy right? Savor, soften, open, love and enjoy! Easy enough. Yet, I notice the holding back, the protecting, the restriction of my natural flow. Sometimes I wonder if it’s easier for others? But, then think: I’m pretty sure this is something we all work with. If you don’t please share your sage wisdom!:)
I relish the moments like tonight where I intentionally slow down, pause and feel my heart in such a big and powerful way. It’s like a veil lifts and I want to forever open up my heart big and wide. Knowing this is where the magic resides.
I think it’s important to do things we are proud of, and cross the finish line and feel accomplished. This helps increase our sense of aliveness, but there is more. What about resting for awhile where we are — playing, meandering, looking for the simple beauty, relishing in the appreciation of all that is good now. What’s the rush?
My life isn’t perfect. I am not floating on some cloud with complete peace and joy. But, it’s mine. All mine to create as I choose. The sacredness of our unique lives is astonishing and yet so ordinary. I felt this tonight as I was enjoying some time with my son before he went to sleep. Something pretty much all Moms do…we support our children in getting to bed. But, I was touched by the holy honor it is to be a mother.
After we read our 4 books he said: “Cuddle Mommy.” I cuddled in and he snuggled up next to me holding his green “blankie”; which is one of my dresses that he turned into a blanket because it “smells like Mommy.”
As we lay there in the amber glow from the nightlight he is shining like the angel he is. I softly stroke his hair and face doing my best to enjoy this moment. I feel the pull to go and get ready for bed and I breathe. I don’t want to rush this moment. Not tonight.
I listen to him breathing. I’m acutely aware that one day he will no longer want his blankie or me to cuddle him to sleep. I soften. These are the moments where the divine lives. This is heaven on earth. I watch him slowly close his eyes. I stay awhile longer reveling in his perfection and then, gently get up and walk out the door with a heart full of love.
Tonight as the tears drop down on my journal I write: Open sweet one. Open. It’s really ok to feel this much! I pray to stay open to the wonder of now. Help me see the world through my heart. May I stand in all that is real, true and beautiful in my life. Help me stay connected even when I want to close. Help me love and play even more. Allow my tenderness to heal my soul. May I feel the presence of grace everywhere, even if I don’t want to and sometimes feel scared. Let me surrender to the LOVE! I breathe in the joy and gratitude for this day. Thank you!
I know there is no getting to a perfect state of grace all the time. I know there will be days and moments the urge to rush will win. And, yet, I hold the intention to continue to remember. Remember to pause and not hurry the moments. This simple practice guides me to more fulfillment. I celebrate these moments like tonight where my heart feels like it grew. I also know I will get triggered and close. Then, I will open. Then, close. And play somewhere in between…thus, is the dance of life.